To help our relationship succeed, I agree to stop all negative talk. This does not mean that I do not ever disagree with you. It means that I change the way I speak with you about my thoughts and disagreements. It means that I will try to speak up instead of speaking down to you when I am unhappy about something you have said or done in our relationship. By talking in a new way with each other, we can reach agreements/compromises or acceptance of our differences with less anger and drama and without adding comments that only will tend to hurt each other's feelings.

1. I agree to keep all curse words out of our conversations. I realize that these words are negative and do not add anything to the actual meaning of my conversation with you. They only add negative punctuation and tone and waste energy.

2. I agree to begin any potentially critical comments with a positive "introduction."

EX: Instead of saying,"Oh..my box is ripped," I will say,"I appreciate that you carried that box inside. How did it get ripped?"

3. I agree to keep all "global name calling" out of our conversations, such as "You're crazy," "You're stupid," "You are so annoying," "You are selfish." If I don't like something you do, I will tell you directly that I didn't like that specific behavior, but I will not call you names.

4. I agree to keep my voice at room level volume when I speak with you and not to raise it so that someone can hear me in the next room or across the street. I realize that raising my voice does not add anything to the actual meaning of my conversation with you. I realize that it only adds negative punctuation and tone and wastes energy.

5. I agree to tell you right away if I have done something or discovered something that I know will cause you to become upset. I will not wait until you have discovered it and have to ask me about it.

6. I will not walk away from any conversation with you or hang up the phone on you without first saying, "I need some time alone now but we will continue this conversation when I come back." Then I will bring up the conversation immediately when I return and have calmed down and thought about what I want to say. I will not wait for you to mention our differences again after I have been the one to stop the initial conversation.

I realize that "time outs" are intended to be for thought gathering and calming down, not for avoiding the discussion or issues. I will not go to bed angry without talking and making up with you first.

7. I will not interrupt you when you are speaking to me.

8. I will not touch you or hit you or throw anything at you or break things in an angry manner.

9. I will not bring up something that irritates me about you in front of other people.

10. I will compliment you and/or thank you for the things you do for me as often as possible (at least once every day).

11. I will not make jokes at your expense or about things that I know are difficult issues for you.

12. As soon as I realize that I have broken one of the above agreements, I will quickly apologize to you.

EX: "I realize that I just swore or made a global negative comment to you. I'm sorry that I did that."

Signed: _______________________________________________

Signed: _______________________________________________

Instructions for Anger Management Program Participants

The following instructions should be read and agreed upon by each participant in the program:

Couples' Incident Log Instructions

Whenever you are unhappy about your partner's behavior, you will write about the incident in question using the Couples' Incident Log.

There are three parts to this log:

Part One: You will write the description of the situation, precipitating events/issues, and your emotional response to the other person's behavior in the Incident Log (preferably in an Excel file that can be saved for future reference and/or additions). You also will include what you believe to be your partner's emotional response and your ideas about the reasons for his/her behavior.

Part Two: Next, you will rewrite this log entry in the Incident WISH Log as if it were your partner writing what you WISH he/she would say about what happened, why, and what should be done in the future to avoid a similar situation.

Part Three: After completing the Incident Log with your own interpretation of the incident, and what you wish your partner would say about that incident in the Incident WISH Log, you will set up a third log page so that your partner can fill in his/her interpretation and/or changes relating to the same incident. You will print out this log, called the Partner's Incident Log, and ask your partner to add his/her version to the log.

When both partners have completed their versions of the incident and how it made them feel, they will exchange their log sheets. Following a calm discussion about the event, a plan will be made to avoid angry words or loud exchanges in the future. All troubling incidents will be turned to written form and quiet discussion instead of using angry or hurtful words/actions to resolve disputes. All log sheets will be signed by each person, indicating that, even if disagreements remain, both people have expressed their thoughts and each person has acknowledged the other person's view of the situation.

Finally, the contract that was signed by both partners will be reviewed so that a new effort will be made to adhere to that agreement. Also, appropriate apologies should be made at this time. All papers should be saved in a folder or binder so that a record is kept about your progress. If there is no noticeable improvement in communication, this record will assist each partner in making decisions about the continuation of the relationship.

Note: If your partner declines to write his/her account of the situation, ask your partner to review your Incident WISH Log (Part Two above) for the resolution of the incident. Ask your partner to either sign that he/she acknowledges your Incident WISH Log or to write his/her own account for you to review.

While this strategy for handling conflicts may be used independently, professional counseling often can add valuable insights that couples miss when they rely on self-help measures alone. It is recommended that professional counseling be considered as an additional option for resolving conflicts and learning effective communication skills.